Depression…It hurts.

So many people said don’t tell anyone. I AM NOT ASHAMED, ARE YOU? I'm sure a least 75% or more of my friends have felt this.

It hurts everyone in your life. This is not a commercial for cymbalta, but an acknowledgment that the saying is true.  Most people have experienced depression at one time or another in their life. Mine has been awful, going on for years, not that you probably would have noticed.  I wish I could be truly honest about what I’m going/went thru, but then my ex husband would use it against me. I’m sure he would be in court faster than you can say Prozac.  But go ahead and try. I dare you.

Doesn’t someone have to come out of the closet and say that they are hurting? Maybe say, “Hey, I need help?”  Of course when you are depressed, you might not reach out for that help.  Yes, we are dumb asses. That is why YOU need to make the first move sometimes.  The symptoms aren’t always  noticeable but they are there.

I’ve had quite a few people tell me this last year how much I’ve helped them or inspired them. If this is true, why can’t I do the same for myself? 

It’s ridiculous, I have two beautiful children and all I wanted to do is cry. I couldn’t even talk to most of my friends about exactly how bad it was at that time. I didn’t want to do anything, I stopped working out, started eating like crap.  Yes, I needed a shrink.

I would never do this.....But many do.
Sometimes my “condition” can be triggered by an event. Say, my ex husband not paying the medical bills he was supposed to and make it impossible for me to get a car lease, or getting that eviction notice. "Go get a job," they say. Honey, I have tried....But my anxiety can be so bad that the thought of pounding the pavement for a job sends me into an anxiety attack. The kind that makes everyone around you think you flew over the cuckoo's nest.

That kind of anxiety started after the divorce and I HAD to find a job.  I’d fill out the paperwork and every day until the interview I would get more anxious and more anxious until I would start crying and not be able to stop. Now, if I happen to be in the place and casually ask if they are hiring, it usually isn’t so hard.

I’ve had anxiety as long as I can remember. The medication started when I was probably 18. Now that I really know what is going on, I wish, oh I wish,I knew back then what was going on. I look back on my life and can see how each and every decision I made was influenced by this.  But I take full responsibility for all my actions.

 Of course, if I hadn’t made these decisions I would not be the person I am today. I would be someone totally different. Better? Maybe, maybe not., but I will never blame any mistake I made or will make on my “condition” but f#*  it didn’t help any………

People by nature want to protect themselves and not expose their wounds to the world. But  I DARE YOU TOO AND HELP SOMEONE WHO IS HURTING



Anonymous said…
Thanks for posting this. I have often thought about doing something similar as I'm not ashamed of my "condition" either. I hope you can find that someone who can help you like you have helped others. Who knows, maybe that someone is me! Email or call or FB anytime!! <3 Liz
Jon & Diann said…
I've been there, too, Hope. The first really severe time was even before I entered the military, the second was after my deployment to Iraq. There've been less severe times along the way, and since my miliary retirement as well. Both of the severe times I "turned myself in" and got help. Thankfully, with a greater understanding of PTSD these days, the stigma in the military is finally starting to break down. But you're right: it can sweep in on you even when things are going well, and it just cripples you. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I understand. You can always lean on me.
Hope said…
I have been seeing some people and it is helping. More people need to seek out help. I am so lucky to have so many people supporting me and I am here for you!
Anonymous said…
You are a very strong person for writing this Hope and it is really good. Shelley and I are on meds for it to. Mine started after Tyler got really sick a few yeaars ago it had to do with his heart. Anytime you need to talk or vent give us a call.

Take care
Hope said…
I don't see this as strong but being necessary.... but thank you anyway darls... You guys are the best!

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